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Waiting for godot

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:19 pm
by LP-1
You may remember me from the phpbb forum?? I'm a sedate vulgarian rarely noticeable in the exciting world of circumlocutory wordsmithing so prominent in fields of discussion such as "what's your favorite movie" or "I had pancakes for breakfast." So you may have to read some recent threads in phpbb's main discussion forum and scour those threads for my unremarkable [to say the least] attempts to get the attention of the elusive wizard in his pixel form known as "lumpy."

Fancy ramblings aside.. I only need to relate a single word to him.

HELP!!! I have no idea what I'm doing. I was moderator quality at best when it came to technical skill. Now I'm down to one thumb and need technical work more than ever. I use to be somebody. I had friends. People paid me money. Acerbic was a skill. Now it's a troll. So my chat skills are even worthless. I've been down many roads using many different [some skilled, some - not so much] associates that held up the technical end of my forum while I held up the content end. I rock and rolled before MySpace and I maintained competitive activity right through Facebook and all the way to the first year or two of twitter. Then I used the nuclear option (that's another story), blew up my own Whitehouse (it's a half a million dollar story), and only now realize that every technical savant who crossed my path buried me in personal preferences that no one could unravel that came behind them. Either the software was custom, or a software they preferred, or customizations in the code that only allowed them to do updates in the software, or they built in backdoors to my server and piggy-backed ten of their own sites for free on my dollar, or they leveraged me into costly server bills that weren't necessary (or at the very least) overkill. I've had every forum software that's available and two that were hand coded from scratch. Almost every time I have been left in the lurch. Either my technical guy wants to move on and design his own game (he or game were ever heard from again.. although, he may have started that anonymous thing), or my tech guy would haul ass because he got his feelings hurt, or someone would offer them a great job I couldn't blame them for taking, or they wanted to run off and do their own forum, or one died (I forgave him), or one who inexplicably became a ghost in the machine and tried to destroy me. I never quite knew why. Somehow I've persevered. I have requested on more than one occasion [to my guys] to convert me to phpbb - but because I like that it's a user built and maintained product. But I always acquiesced to their preference and then inevitably, was left holding the bag. Somehow I've lasted. But I'm tired. I don't want to have the shiniest new product on the market or the most customized forum in the history of the universe. I like simple. I just want to exist. I want my forum to outlive me. I want my arguments and theories preserved. I don't want drama. I want user friendly and owner friendly.
I have come to the source - instead of waiting for the source to come to me. I am currently on ipboard and resisting to pay my license fee, for more bad service, and a mediocre product. My last guy moved me there from vbullerin. (Which wasn't a hard sell because I really disliked the support team at vbullerin.) Now I find ipboard is impossible to maintain without an endless stream of money, and a technical guy to maintain it. Not to mention their support team makes vbullerin support team look like the Syrian white helmets. So... HELP!!!

I'd like to solicit you, are someone you would recommend, to convert me from ipboard to phpbb. I'd like help with whatever plugins I might need. I need help with a new seo strategy. I need help setting up my store. I need help rebuilding my gallery in concert with phpbb. I need help keeping my users experience as close to the same as possible. I just need HELP.

So, where for art thou, lumpy? Rescue an old pirate. All the elements are there. I can kick ass. I just lack technical know how, or the physical capacity to do it, if I did.

What do you think? Want to be best pals? Want to visit me in the old age home? Or insane asylum? (Depends on who you talk to)

I'm a good guy. I pay taxes. I vote. I pay my bills. Think of me as baby Jessica and you're the fireman. Or we could be Cisco and pancho. Or Ferris Bueller and Cameron.

Ok, I've begged. Take a look at my field of dreams and at least offer an opinion.

Lakepirates.com. I'm the friendly one.

Re: Waiting for godot

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:33 pm
by LP-1
Oh.. and just a heads up (honesty is the best policy) there's a small chance I might be the anti-Christ. So there's that.. :mrgreen:

Re: Waiting for godot

Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:59 pm
by LP-1
Just so you know. I noticed the typos. I'm just too lazy to fix them. I'm a thought to paper brain droppings kinda guy.

And what's up with no avatar?

Re: Waiting for godot

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 1:08 am
by LP-1
I really am waiting for godot. And the person I'm talking to.. is me??

What up Lumpy? If you don't take these kind of gigs could you direct me in the right direction? Please. I'm sure I've vaguely represented my needs, as I often do. So to recap.
1. I want to convert from ipboard software to phpbb (latest version) that's not beta.
2. I also have a gallery
3. I have a store
4. I have paid memberships
5. I'd like some form of automated advertising
6. I have a paid membership section
7. I require a mobile version
8. Mass email
9. Entry page such as a blog or blocks with recent posts, top threads, a couple arbitrary pics from the gallery, possibly a static video, rotating (featured) advertisements, featured products, maybe adsense (not sure tho), featured member, etc
10. Compatible with social media such as Facebook, twitter, et al
11. Personal interface via phone or in person with developer (for me) so ideas can be exchanged in minutes that would require a novel of texts, emails, and posts like this one to articulate.

Some things I'd like to be more end user friendly is;
Posting pics
Posting YouTube videos
Posting pics and videos from smart phones
Limited decisions such as clicking through a forum and negotiating their way [easily] back to where they started.
Easy to understand help page

I like something that looks simple, and is simple. I like to assume the average person has never seen anything like an Internet forum, much less used one. For lack of a better description, I assume a low level of capability, therefore provide a sensible easy site to navigate. I'm not into gadgets, blinky lights, too much technology like collapsible forums, sub forums, pop-ups, or anything that inhibits activity such as over moderation, ignore member options, banned words, member reputations, or rules and regulations excerpts everywhere.

I'm open to all monetization methods I don't already address. I'm open to any ideas I didn't address. I'm open to discussion on my list. I pay on time. I do what I say. Im absolutely hilarious. What I do is always interesting. And I'm impatient.

Re: Waiting for godot

Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 9:12 pm
by lumpy
some of that is already available in phpbb. some of it can be done with extensions. some of it would require custom coding that is above my pay grade.

I guess you will have to find someone else for this project.

sorry,
robert